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Slow - Slow - Slow

I told him I need to slow the fuck down.  And I meant it...

Except I don't really know what that's going to look like.  Does it mean not sleeping at his house? Not having sex? Not seeing him nearly every day??  [But I like those things.]  I think I mean that I need a break from the intensity. I just want to have fun with him. A normal relaxed day of no one crying, no over-processing.

I feel kind of lost in a fog.  And it's not just because of this "thing" I'm doing with LJ.  Part of it is the new job.  It's kind of 9-5ish and that's so against the grain of who I am and what I've been doing with my life for the last 9 years. I'm trying to keep my night owl schedule while being awake and productive in the mornings. It's equaling serious sleep deprivation.  I haven't been doing yoga.  And I haven't been doing such a stellar job of managing my diabetes.  OH! and I've been bleeding like a stuck pig on anticoagulants, with hot flashes that could rival a broiler.  Stir in the emotional and physical intensity of this non-commital, non-relationship thing we're doing, heap on some baggage from both of us and it's not really surprising that I'm not coping so well. 

It's time to break some old, ineffective habits. It's time to learn to be in a relationship and still take care of me.  It's time to not let sexual abuse and alcoholic parent and childhood abandonment and loss issues drown out what's happening in the present.

Tonight, I'd like to sit, knee-to-knee with him and just talk and laugh and enjoy each other's company.  And when it's time for sleeping, I'd like to cuddle up next to him and then just sleep. In the morning, I'll do my yoga on the dock, moving my body in ways that feel good in my soul. I'll go to work, and then out with friends. And I'll be okay.

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
fotosax
Feb. 11th, 2010 06:06 pm (UTC)
did that night meet your expectations? I can't keep track... and, did you do yoga on the dock? (methinks not, but mehopes so)
treeyaya
Feb. 12th, 2010 12:39 am (UTC)
That's the night I came back to the Tavern and danced with Daniel. It was fun and lighthearted. I don't remember much of what happened after that; I was likely half asleep. In the morning I just went to work. No yoga for me. Sleep was totally the priority. (Maybe I'll find a class to take in the evenings. Obviously, morning yoga is not going to fit into my night owl schedule.)
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