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Hard to admit

I've been brewing up some big time depression and spending a lot of time hiding in bed. I just don't feel like hanging out or chatting, because it's hard for me to resist acting like it's all good, and later feeling guilty for being inauthentic.

So I'm starting Paxil today. This is a scary step for me. Despite the fact that I've dealt with depression off and on since pre-adolescence, I've never been as honesty and open about it as I'm comitting to being right now. I recognized that I am more than miserable and not functioning. I told LJ and my doctor right away. And today, I told all my closest friends. It was hard to admit (so I did it via text message). I've even told my employer, a lovely mom who shared that she is also on meds.

I am dragging my feet on my way to the pharmacy tho. Finally going on meds feels like admitting defeat.
At any rate, I am comitting to journaling my steps along the way, because I have to believe it will keep me safe(r) to tell my truths than to hide alone and quiet.

Posted via LjBeetle



( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
Michelle Mosier
Jan. 9th, 2011 05:42 pm (UTC)
I have to say that you have a lot of courage to be so honest with everyone... I have suffered for years with mild depression, but when my daughter died, it slowly got worse to the point I couldn't function. I started self-destructing, but still couldn't admit that I needed help. After I did something really drastic and upsetting, I sought out counseling and medication- finally accepting that I couldn't do it on my own. I have been in counseling for the past 8 months, and I finally feel happy again. I know a large part of it has been my medication- but I am able to accept that it's something I need right now to work through my problems. I hope you are able to find that in yourself as well. Good luck- and I am here if you need it!
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )