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Shiva

I feel like I am sitting shiva all by myself. V stayed with me last night, but she is not grieving. And it's impossible to ask others to sit with your grief whew you yourself don't know what loss (es) is weighing your heart down.

LJ is fine to Boston for 5 days. In his absence I feel completely lost, a ship with no harbor, no home port. He is so good at loving me though all this, makes it safe to just be where I am. There's no judgement, no need to pretend or be on stage with him. I can't imagine falling apart like this in the company of anyone else.

He deserves better than this train wreck. That is such a dangerous sentence. I am battling the self-destructive urge to push everyone away. I'm hushing the sabotaging voice that says my sadness is too much for others, that he will leave me. Nobody wants to sit shiva for weeks or months.

Posted via LjBeetle

Comments

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
altarflame
Jan. 23rd, 2011 02:17 am (UTC)
I tried to call you earlier; got no answer. I'm sorry it's so hard <3
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